Tag Archives: migraines

Eager for Energy

I really want to write more than once a week, it’s just that I really don’t have anything going on. Other than going to Mrs. CJ’s every day and doing miscellaneous things for her. I don’t really see anyone, no one reaches out to me anymore. That’s the downside of going into depressive episodes, you pass and bail on so many invites, that the invites stop coming, even when you start feeling better. I’m not feeling 100% better yet though. It is still a huge effort for me to shower and find clean clothes, usually by the time I am done with that I am exhausted. I get my spontaneous good days though, usually when the sun is shining and I miraculously don’t have a migraine. They don’t coincide very often. On those days I want to take over the world, and then for example, I’ll go to one store with my sister and want to go to a bunch more, but we don’t because five minutes later I am sweating profusely and having a migraine aura and by the time we are back in the car I can barely move my head. What a day to not wear sunglasses. Not to mention that the next day my left arm was sore from HOLDING A FEW ARTICLES OF CLOTHING OVER IT WHILE I SHOPPED. If that doesn’t scream that I don’t get out much, then I don’t know what would, other than actual bedsores.

At least I have Meika though. My perfect pup is doing much better after that terrifying seizure last week. She is always by my side and even when we sleep, she has to be touching me. She will sleep back to back with me, with her head on the pillow. She usually burrows under the blankets and will curl up into my tummy or the back of my knees. Last night she migrated off her bed (which is on the left side of my bed, slightly loser than the pillow on that side) and she stretched and I woke up to a paw in the face. Can’t be mad though, she plays the cute card well.

I am planning a post about how I organize my Grimoire and what my process is for finding the right info to put in it. I’ll get around to it when I have the energy to take pictures and find the right words to explain it all.

Is it bad that I am so happy it’s Friday so that I can lay in bed for 2 days and not be disturbed?

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Just Another Migraine Monday

Today was alright, given that I had to sleep most of it to avoid the horrific migraine that still is not gone despite taking two rounds of medication. I don’t have anything to really write about really, I just need to do it so I don’t fall out of the habit for months at a time again.

I went over to Mrs. CJ’s today, and when I got there her husband and my mom were already there. They were setting up her new hospital bed mattress. I didn’t take into account how strongly I would be affected emotionally by seeing someone in that state. She got so emotional when it was time for her to go from the wheel chair back into bed because she was afraid of falling, even though her husband would never let that happen. I just wanted to crawl into her head sweep away all her fears. I helped adjust her pillows and got her a drink and her heating pad all situated, then cleaned up the kitchen from dinner the night before. The main objective is to keep her company in case she needs something, and to do light household things so that Mr. CJ doesn’t have to worry about it when he gets home from work. I told her I can even go grocery shopping for them once the car is fixed, which shouldn’t be too much longer. I also told her that I am only two apartment building away and if she needs anything else to give me a call, even if i was already there that day. She really is the sweetest lady, and she has known my mom since I was about 11 or 12. We talked about my home life and she said something very profound to me about my relationship with my 15 year old sister.

“I’m no psychiatrist, but maybe she is distant with you because you’ve been in and out of your mom’s so many times that she feels like you’ll just leave again if she gets close to you.”

That one really hit my soul and I am still currently processing that.

And on that note, I can’t really handle looking at my screen anymore so I am gonna go stare at the wall.

Lets Grow

Alright, I know it is only nearing the end of February, but hear me out. This has been the worst year ever. In attempts to make a very long, sad, woe-is-me story very short, let me introduce myself.

My name is Carnelia, I am 27 years old, I don’t currently have a job, my car is broken down, I am single, and oh, the best part, I live back at home. Which is not an ideal situation, by any means. So all in all, I am back at zero. Square one.

Yes, yes I know, all that really sucks and it makes me seem like such a low life (in my eyes, at least). I will be the first to admit that I have been living in my bed for quite some time now. I rarely leave the house – between depression, anxiety, migraines, and my transportation down for the count, I don’t have many opportunities to do…anything.

I do have however, an amazing dog named Meika who has stolen all of my love. I fear that even any future human babies won’t be able to compare to her. I have a select group of friends that check on me, and make sure that I am not just letting myself decompose. Really though, they know who they are and they are the real MVP’s of this game called life.

Probably the most important thing I have, is the determination to be BETTER. In all ways. I don’t want to feel sick every day, I don’t want sudden mood swings that make me impossible to deal with, I don’t want crippling anxiety that makes me afraid to get out from under the blankets and get off my bed. I am DONE. I am going to HEAL. I am going to find my place in this world, figure out what I stand for and what I believe in.

And I am going to do it here. Publicly. Because there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that I am the only one. Not a chance. So let’s start from zero. Square one.

Lets GROW.