Tag Archives: ectopic pregnancy

Mother May I

I guess I should write even though nothing new has been happening. Still in the sort of limbo of not wanting to die, but not wanting to exist anymore. I also don’t want to keep writing about how horrible everything is but alas, everything has not stopped being horrible.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with this website, and it’s been somewhat working. I decided I am gonna start selling handmade journals, so I have been dying a bunch of paper and practicing some binding techniques. It’s really calming to be artistic. Maybe I will eventually get it together enough to write a tutorial up or something.

Yesterday was Mother’s day and I had the hardest time. The past few have been hard, but I was doing ok, working good jobs, living on my own. This year was different. I spent a large portion of the day hiding under the covers crying. My mom eventually saw and I feel really bad about that, because I didn’t want my pain to effect her mother’s day. If I hadn’t suffered so much loss, she would have three little grand-babies to spoil her. She got her hopes up every single time, and I will never forget the moments I had to tell her that we lost them. I never told anyone about the first one, until the second one happened. I kept it bottled up. I was young and stupid. The second miscarriage, well that one was the most traumatic, go into work early for your gender reveal ultrasound and be told that the placenta is already breaking down. I came and found my mom at work and as she was walking out of the office she saw me coming and instantly noticed something was off and asked what was wrong… I told her I lost the baby and she broke down so bad that she collapsed. She literally fell into my arms, sobbing. Seeing that sort of pain in your mother is THE worst feeling. The ectopic pregnancy, I saw blood and rushed myself to the hospital from work. Got ahold of mom, but not until I had answers from the doctors. She was at a football game that my sister was cheering at. I remember trying not to get frustrated with her and telling her to get somewhere she could hear me. I told her I was in the hospital and “you didn’t get your hopes up again, did you?”…I could feel her soul collapse. She was sobbing and I told her that they were going to do emergency surgery and that I had my people with me and to come after the game, if she wanted to. I’m honestly shocked she didn’t pull my sister and leave right away.

My mom is the most amazing, loving, pure person I know. She goes through so much hell, and has lead a largely unhappy life just to make sure that us girls got the best we could, to make sure we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat. She is so incredible in the way that she has put her own happiness aside to make sure we thrived. It hasn’t always been the best of situations, and for a long time I resented her for making us deal with the things we had to deal with growing up. But then I became an adult, and I understood. I understood that even though I thought everything was terrible, it could have been so so much worse. She sacrificed her own happiness as well. I love her so much and I wish I could give her the whole world. I wish I could make up for all the years she has put up with being miserable, just to make sure that my sisters and I didn’t have it harder than it needed to be. I don’t know what I would do without that woman.

Bean Sprouts and Rainbows

This will be the third March 7th that goes by, that I don’t get to hold my baby. March 7th was my due date.

Why don’t people talk about pregnancy loss? I needed to talk about it in order to heal, I talk about it still and I always will. It was an important part of my life, and if it makes you uncomfortable to hear about ‘when I was pregnant’ or what happened when I lost the baby, then that is too damn bad, because it is a part of me. It is something that I had to go through, something I am still going through, and something that I will never truly get over. So if it is on my mind, you are going to hear about it as well.

The thing that makes me feel horrible, is that it was not my first pregnancy loss, nor was it my most recent. All in all, I have lost three. It was however, the only one I really knew about before it was too late. I had a name picked out, a crib ready to set up, and the day I found out my little bean was no longer there was the day I went in to find out the gender. Even after the D&C, I came out of anesthesia, my Mom was standing by my side and before I could even process what was happening I just started sobbing, holding my stomach and repeating ‘my baby’. I am so thankful I had my Momma there to hold my hand that day. It is the only one that really haunts me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still mourn the possibilities of what could have been with the other two. I wonder what kind of people they would be, I know how old they would be right this minute; I have memorial tattoos for them. I just never got a chance to bond with them while they were growing inside of me. I didn’t get to talk to them and and play them music like I did for this one.

Actually, that isn’t true. The last one, an ectopic pregnancy that happened in October of 2017, I knew I was pregnant for 3 days before I started bleeding. I drove myself to the hospital, hysterically crying and convulsing from fear while holding my stomach and telling it to “hold on tight, were almost to the doctor”. I think about that moment a lot actually, but in those 3 days that I knew, I didn’t let myself get attached. I knew about the clotting disorder this time, I knew that maintaining a pregnancy would be difficult. I feel so guilty about it.

I don’t know what else to say, other than I hope other women who have gone through it have the strength and courage to talk about it. Please for the love of your heart and soul, make people listen. It’s hard, and its an extremely sensitive topic and people don’t want to acknowledge that this type of horrible things happen so frequently BUT IT DOES. It is so common, but that absolutely DOES NOT make it any easier to deal with. Man, the amount of times I heard ‘well it’s really common and happens to most women at least once’……I can barely type that without gritting my teeth. People break their legs every damn day, but does that make it hurt for them any less? No, and they still get a cast, or crutches, and time to HEAL.

It’s ok to mourn the due date, and the day they were lost. It’s ok to be upset on mothers day. It’s ok to have to hide all of your friends newborn pictures on Facebook. It’s ok to walk down the baby isle and reminisce. It’s ok to add to conversations about what cravings you had, or the funny hormonal outbursts you had when other women are sharing their stories. Those are YOUR experiences and they really happened. You don’t have to hide them away or feel ashamed because you may not have a baby to show for it. I always felt uncomfortable mentioning it, because I don’t have any children. People tend to get confused, but dammit I have some good stories and some solid life experience in that area. I don’t have to tell them I miscarried, and if I do it isn’t because I want them to feel sorry for me. If they ask if I have kids, I say no and I leave it at that.

I just want those Momma’s out there that are still trying to know, that there is always a rainbow after the storm.