Tag Archives: anxiety

It’s Springtime Babyyyy

Just wanted to take a quick few minutes to say happy Ostara! This is my new baby Pothos I will be trying to keep alive, gifted to me from Mrs. CJ.

I have really been struggling the past few days with things like the will to live, so having a little plant baby to care for should help. I’m also looking forward for the ever growing amount of sunshine that’s about to be in my life.

Eager for Energy

I really want to write more than once a week, it’s just that I really don’t have anything going on. Other than going to Mrs. CJ’s every day and doing miscellaneous things for her. I don’t really see anyone, no one reaches out to me anymore. That’s the downside of going into depressive episodes, you pass and bail on so many invites, that the invites stop coming, even when you start feeling better. I’m not feeling 100% better yet though. It is still a huge effort for me to shower and find clean clothes, usually by the time I am done with that I am exhausted. I get my spontaneous good days though, usually when the sun is shining and I miraculously don’t have a migraine. They don’t coincide very often. On those days I want to take over the world, and then for example, I’ll go to one store with my sister and want to go to a bunch more, but we don’t because five minutes later I am sweating profusely and having a migraine aura and by the time we are back in the car I can barely move my head. What a day to not wear sunglasses. Not to mention that the next day my left arm was sore from HOLDING A FEW ARTICLES OF CLOTHING OVER IT WHILE I SHOPPED. If that doesn’t scream that I don’t get out much, then I don’t know what would, other than actual bedsores.

At least I have Meika though. My perfect pup is doing much better after that terrifying seizure last week. She is always by my side and even when we sleep, she has to be touching me. She will sleep back to back with me, with her head on the pillow. She usually burrows under the blankets and will curl up into my tummy or the back of my knees. Last night she migrated off her bed (which is on the left side of my bed, slightly loser than the pillow on that side) and she stretched and I woke up to a paw in the face. Can’t be mad though, she plays the cute card well.

I am planning a post about how I organize my Grimoire and what my process is for finding the right info to put in it. I’ll get around to it when I have the energy to take pictures and find the right words to explain it all.

Is it bad that I am so happy it’s Friday so that I can lay in bed for 2 days and not be disturbed?

Loud and Clear

It was probably no later than I hit publish on my last post that I heard my mom saying goodbye to someone on the phone. Five minutes later she comes down to my room and tells me that Mrs. CJ has a ‘proposition’ for me.

See, my mom works with Mr. CJ and cleans their house as a side job, and they only live the next apartment building over from us. Clearly my mom doesn’t work in silence when she is around those two, because Mrs. CJ wanted to offer me a ‘job’ of coming over there for an hour everyday and helping take care of her because she wants me to get out of the house and knows how depressed I am. I couldn’t say no. Mrs. CJ is in a hospital bed at their home, and all I know at this point is that she is unable to walk and take care of herself. She is the sweetest woman ever, and she wants to help me get better. She wants to basically pay me to be her friend.

I said yes in a heartbeat, not because she wants to pay me though, but because someone kept me in mind and went out of their way to find something for me to do that would be helpful to them. It felt like a sign from the universe and if I am being honest, I did tear up a little bit. I told my mom to tell her I would do it and I can do anything she needs while I am over there. As someone that wants to get going to nursing school at some point, I told her that I will even help bathe her and change her bag if she needs it, I’ll even read her books if she wants. I’m just so grateful.

As soon as I made a public post saying how determined I am to change my circumstances, an opportunity like that comes up? I think yes.

I see you, Universe, I see what you are doing. I hear you loud and clear.

Lets Grow

Alright, I know it is only nearing the end of February, but hear me out. This has been the worst year ever. In attempts to make a very long, sad, woe-is-me story very short, let me introduce myself.

My name is Carnelia, I am 27 years old, I don’t currently have a job, my car is broken down, I am single, and oh, the best part, I live back at home. Which is not an ideal situation, by any means. So all in all, I am back at zero. Square one.

Yes, yes I know, all that really sucks and it makes me seem like such a low life (in my eyes, at least). I will be the first to admit that I have been living in my bed for quite some time now. I rarely leave the house – between depression, anxiety, migraines, and my transportation down for the count, I don’t have many opportunities to do…anything.

I do have however, an amazing dog named Meika who has stolen all of my love. I fear that even any future human babies won’t be able to compare to her. I have a select group of friends that check on me, and make sure that I am not just letting myself decompose. Really though, they know who they are and they are the real MVP’s of this game called life.

Probably the most important thing I have, is the determination to be BETTER. In all ways. I don’t want to feel sick every day, I don’t want sudden mood swings that make me impossible to deal with, I don’t want crippling anxiety that makes me afraid to get out from under the blankets and get off my bed. I am DONE. I am going to HEAL. I am going to find my place in this world, figure out what I stand for and what I believe in.

And I am going to do it here. Publicly. Because there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that I am the only one. Not a chance. So let’s start from zero. Square one.

Lets GROW.