Category Archives: Book of Shadows

Just Another Migraine Monday

Today was alright, given that I had to sleep most of it to avoid the horrific migraine that still is not gone despite taking two rounds of medication. I don’t have anything to really write about really, I just need to do it so I don’t fall out of the habit for months at a time again.

I went over to Mrs. CJ’s today, and when I got there her husband and my mom were already there. They were setting up her new hospital bed mattress. I didn’t take into account how strongly I would be affected emotionally by seeing someone in that state. She got so emotional when it was time for her to go from the wheel chair back into bed because she was afraid of falling, even though her husband would never let that happen. I just wanted to crawl into her head sweep away all her fears. I helped adjust her pillows and got her a drink and her heating pad all situated, then cleaned up the kitchen from dinner the night before. The main objective is to keep her company in case she needs something, and to do light household things so that Mr. CJ doesn’t have to worry about it when he gets home from work. I told her I can even go grocery shopping for them once the car is fixed, which shouldn’t be too much longer. I also told her that I am only two apartment building away and if she needs anything else to give me a call, even if i was already there that day. She really is the sweetest lady, and she has known my mom since I was about 11 or 12. We talked about my home life and she said something very profound to me about my relationship with my 15 year old sister.

“I’m no psychiatrist, but maybe she is distant with you because you’ve been in and out of your mom’s so many times that she feels like you’ll just leave again if she gets close to you.”

That one really hit my soul and I am still currently processing that.

And on that note, I can’t really handle looking at my screen anymore so I am gonna go stare at the wall.

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Bean Sprouts and Rainbows

This will be the third March 7th that goes by, that I don’t get to hold my baby. March 7th was my due date.

Why don’t people talk about pregnancy loss? I needed to talk about it in order to heal, I talk about it still and I always will. It was an important part of my life, and if it makes you uncomfortable to hear about ‘when I was pregnant’ or what happened when I lost the baby, then that is too damn bad, because it is a part of me. It is something that I had to go through, something I am still going through, and something that I will never truly get over. So if it is on my mind, you are going to hear about it as well.

The thing that makes me feel horrible, is that it was not my first pregnancy loss, nor was it my most recent. All in all, I have lost three. It was however, the only one I really knew about before it was too late. I had a name picked out, a crib ready to set up, and the day I found out my little bean was no longer there was the day I went in to find out the gender. Even after the D&C, I came out of anesthesia, my Mom was standing by my side and before I could even process what was happening I just started sobbing, holding my stomach and repeating ‘my baby’. I am so thankful I had my Momma there to hold my hand that day. It is the only one that really haunts me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still mourn the possibilities of what could have been with the other two. I wonder what kind of people they would be, I know how old they would be right this minute; I have memorial tattoos for them. I just never got a chance to bond with them while they were growing inside of me. I didn’t get to talk to them and and play them music like I did for this one.

Actually, that isn’t true. The last one, an ectopic pregnancy that happened in October of 2017, I knew I was pregnant for 3 days before I started bleeding. I drove myself to the hospital, hysterically crying and convulsing from fear while holding my stomach and telling it to “hold on tight, were almost to the doctor”. I think about that moment a lot actually, but in those 3 days that I knew, I didn’t let myself get attached. I knew about the clotting disorder this time, I knew that maintaining a pregnancy would be difficult. I feel so guilty about it.

I don’t know what else to say, other than I hope other women who have gone through it have the strength and courage to talk about it. Please for the love of your heart and soul, make people listen. It’s hard, and its an extremely sensitive topic and people don’t want to acknowledge that this type of horrible things happen so frequently BUT IT DOES. It is so common, but that absolutely DOES NOT make it any easier to deal with. Man, the amount of times I heard ‘well it’s really common and happens to most women at least once’……I can barely type that without gritting my teeth. People break their legs every damn day, but does that make it hurt for them any less? No, and they still get a cast, or crutches, and time to HEAL.

It’s ok to mourn the due date, and the day they were lost. It’s ok to be upset on mothers day. It’s ok to have to hide all of your friends newborn pictures on Facebook. It’s ok to walk down the baby isle and reminisce. It’s ok to add to conversations about what cravings you had, or the funny hormonal outbursts you had when other women are sharing their stories. Those are YOUR experiences and they really happened. You don’t have to hide them away or feel ashamed because you may not have a baby to show for it. I always felt uncomfortable mentioning it, because I don’t have any children. People tend to get confused, but dammit I have some good stories and some solid life experience in that area. I don’t have to tell them I miscarried, and if I do it isn’t because I want them to feel sorry for me. If they ask if I have kids, I say no and I leave it at that.

I just want those Momma’s out there that are still trying to know, that there is always a rainbow after the storm.

Loud and Clear

It was probably no later than I hit publish on my last post that I heard my mom saying goodbye to someone on the phone. Five minutes later she comes down to my room and tells me that Mrs. CJ has a ‘proposition’ for me.

See, my mom works with Mr. CJ and cleans their house as a side job, and they only live the next apartment building over from us. Clearly my mom doesn’t work in silence when she is around those two, because Mrs. CJ wanted to offer me a ‘job’ of coming over there for an hour everyday and helping take care of her because she wants me to get out of the house and knows how depressed I am. I couldn’t say no. Mrs. CJ is in a hospital bed at their home, and all I know at this point is that she is unable to walk and take care of herself. She is the sweetest woman ever, and she wants to help me get better. She wants to basically pay me to be her friend.

I said yes in a heartbeat, not because she wants to pay me though, but because someone kept me in mind and went out of their way to find something for me to do that would be helpful to them. It felt like a sign from the universe and if I am being honest, I did tear up a little bit. I told my mom to tell her I would do it and I can do anything she needs while I am over there. As someone that wants to get going to nursing school at some point, I told her that I will even help bathe her and change her bag if she needs it, I’ll even read her books if she wants. I’m just so grateful.

As soon as I made a public post saying how determined I am to change my circumstances, an opportunity like that comes up? I think yes.

I see you, Universe, I see what you are doing. I hear you loud and clear.

Lets Grow

Alright, I know it is only nearing the end of February, but hear me out. This has been the worst year ever. In attempts to make a very long, sad, woe-is-me story very short, let me introduce myself.

My name is Carnelia, I am 27 years old, I don’t currently have a job, my car is broken down, I am single, and oh, the best part, I live back at home. Which is not an ideal situation, by any means. So all in all, I am back at zero. Square one.

Yes, yes I know, all that really sucks and it makes me seem like such a low life (in my eyes, at least). I will be the first to admit that I have been living in my bed for quite some time now. I rarely leave the house – between depression, anxiety, migraines, and my transportation down for the count, I don’t have many opportunities to do…anything.

I do have however, an amazing dog named Meika who has stolen all of my love. I fear that even any future human babies won’t be able to compare to her. I have a select group of friends that check on me, and make sure that I am not just letting myself decompose. Really though, they know who they are and they are the real MVP’s of this game called life.

Probably the most important thing I have, is the determination to be BETTER. In all ways. I don’t want to feel sick every day, I don’t want sudden mood swings that make me impossible to deal with, I don’t want crippling anxiety that makes me afraid to get out from under the blankets and get off my bed. I am DONE. I am going to HEAL. I am going to find my place in this world, figure out what I stand for and what I believe in.

And I am going to do it here. Publicly. Because there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that I am the only one. Not a chance. So let’s start from zero. Square one.

Lets GROW.