Mother May I

I guess I should write even though nothing new has been happening. Still in the sort of limbo of not wanting to die, but not wanting to exist anymore. I also don’t want to keep writing about how horrible everything is but alas, everything has not stopped being horrible.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with this website, and it’s been somewhat working. I decided I am gonna start selling handmade journals, so I have been dying a bunch of paper and practicing some binding techniques. It’s really calming to be artistic. Maybe I will eventually get it together enough to write a tutorial up or something.

Yesterday was Mother’s day and I had the hardest time. The past few have been hard, but I was doing ok, working good jobs, living on my own. This year was different. I spent a large portion of the day hiding under the covers crying. My mom eventually saw and I feel really bad about that, because I didn’t want my pain to effect her mother’s day. If I hadn’t suffered so much loss, she would have three little grand-babies to spoil her. She got her hopes up every single time, and I will never forget the moments I had to tell her that we lost them. I never told anyone about the first one, until the second one happened. I kept it bottled up. I was young and stupid. The second miscarriage, well that one was the most traumatic, go into work early for your gender reveal ultrasound and be told that the placenta is already breaking down. I came and found my mom at work and as she was walking out of the office she saw me coming and instantly noticed something was off and asked what was wrong… I told her I lost the baby and she broke down so bad that she collapsed. She literally fell into my arms, sobbing. Seeing that sort of pain in your mother is THE worst feeling. The ectopic pregnancy, I saw blood and rushed myself to the hospital from work. Got ahold of mom, but not until I had answers from the doctors. She was at a football game that my sister was cheering at. I remember trying not to get frustrated with her and telling her to get somewhere she could hear me. I told her I was in the hospital and “you didn’t get your hopes up again, did you?”…I could feel her soul collapse. She was sobbing and I told her that they were going to do emergency surgery and that I had my people with me and to come after the game, if she wanted to. I’m honestly shocked she didn’t pull my sister and leave right away.

My mom is the most amazing, loving, pure person I know. She goes through so much hell, and has lead a largely unhappy life just to make sure that us girls got the best we could, to make sure we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat. She is so incredible in the way that she has put her own happiness aside to make sure we thrived. It hasn’t always been the best of situations, and for a long time I resented her for making us deal with the things we had to deal with growing up. But then I became an adult, and I understood. I understood that even though I thought everything was terrible, it could have been so so much worse. She sacrificed her own happiness as well. I love her so much and I wish I could give her the whole world. I wish I could make up for all the years she has put up with being miserable, just to make sure that my sisters and I didn’t have it harder than it needed to be. I don’t know what I would do without that woman.

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